| just rambling | Friday, August 20, 2010 |
My sister and I were discussing how we are as parents and that we were doing it just a touch differently for our children today as compared to how our parents did things for us and how their parents did things for them and so on and so on. Stability was the main focus of the topic. My fear from my youth is double edged financial insecurity and the fear that stability will never arrive. For me it was not just about where we were living even though that could be found to be a very diverse world and one experience that has made me as diverse in my thinking. It was about the consistency within the house, the number of people who were there and their version of what the rules should be and how they are to be upheld. Lots of contradiction, so it was very easy to set and fallow my own rules for they were the same they did not change, the main one was just to keep parting. There was lots of affection for us even love at times. And no the friends of my parents loved us the right way and never the wrong way and never too much, for that I am grateful. Not alot of girls raised like we were happened to as lucky as we were in that area. I was a lost and miserable teen who happened to be a drunken druggie who terrorized my family. My terrorism was not so much in the physical form it ran more down the road of emotional blackmail and terrorism. My behavior was never an intended way to hurt those who love, but more of a way to escape from them, from me and my fears. I was never taught what a goal was, oh I was taught about dreams and using my imagination but to have a dream turn into a goal. No, it was about every one else’s dreams and goals. So to end the pain I lost my self and in the end lost my family for many years.
Today I have a little girl that I pray will never feel as lost as I did or for that matter have the need not to feel. I teach her the tools of the new life I have chosen in hopes that she can learn to use them in her life. I can see times where she employs in one degree or another, a tool or two. I pray. My parents refined what they were taught and I am refining what I was taught and my girl will refine on what she is taught right on down the line.
NO MATTER WHAT, ALL WE CAN DO IS OUR BEST WITH WHAT WE HAVE IN THIS LIFE AND EXPAND ON WHAT WE ARE GIVEN.
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